Assuming you’re one of the folks out there who is actually waiting for Kanye West to demand the complete and total attention of our little corner of the pop culture Universe (yay…), The Only One’s tantalizingly vague release date (“Soon”) is only cause for frustration. Fortunately, the grand high Yeezus has been the subject of several video games that are perfect for filling your time until The Only One inevitably changes everything about video games forever until the end of time.
For those of you who couldn’t possibly give two farts about whatever that self-absorbed moron is cooking up (I mean, honestly, he thinks Cosby is innocent? Are you freaking kidding me?), there’s still good reason to explore the already established Kanye West video game territory.
Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
The most obvious way for you to get your Yeezy fix is the mobile superhit, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. Characters take on the role of some vapid ingrate who’s just bound and determined to get famous (because having total strangers pay attention to you is all there is to life, right?). Along the way, you’ll be coached by Kim Kardashian, the only A-lister who’s famous for having no discernible talent.
As you climb the ladder of success you’ll bump into all of Kim Kardashian’s most famous costars … except for Ray-J. Among those celebrities is (hoorah!) the voice of a generation, the lyrical genius himself: Kanye West.
The rendition is so awesome and so totally not a flimsy cash grab that ETOnline called Kanye and his son North West’s game avatars, “Virtually Unrecognizeble.” Even better, the game features in-app purchases, a topic about which Kanye has very strong opinions.
The Kanye West Torture Chamber
Next on our list is a gruesome little distraction called The Kanye West Torture Chamber, which plays exactly how it sounds. Those people who haven’t grown tired of Kanye West’s incessant yammering or those who are currently downloading Kim Kardashian: Hollywood (shame on you) may just want to skip ahead to the next game.
For everyone with a reasonably strong stomach, however, The Kanye West Torture Chamber is loads of bloody fun. It’s essentially a one-note gag in which players pick one of six varieties of brutal assassination to inflict on the Grammy magnet. All the while, the pompous dummy shouts extra hate-able things like, “‘Kanye West’ backward spells God!” and “I invented the hula hoop!” while he’s being destroyed by an MTV Music Award. Or getting his “hair cut.” Or having his mouth sewn shut. That one’s my favorite.
Kanye vs. Pole
It’s a little bit difficult to tell whether or not Kanye vs. Pole is an ode to the lyrical genius or if it’s a slight at his expense. It’s fairly harmless, either way (which is a boon or a let down depending on what you showed up for). And it’s definitely not pornographic, you dirty-minded fool. Yeezy doesn’t get down like that.
KVP is an endless walker in which Kanye West, backed by an extra jiggly K-Kar, must walk an endless gauntlet of paparazzi and signs for some reason on their way to a restaurant that will never arrive. Quick work with the arrow keys is required to keep the most gifted artist in the history of art from bumping his head twice. It can be kind of fun watching little welts form on Kanye’s head, but unless you’re an endless runner person the fun is a bit short-lived.
Endless runner people will find this free jaunt a nice, silly distraction for longer than you’ll be openly willing to admit.
Kanye Quest 3030
Kanye Quest 3030 is an extremely unauthorized video game that sees Yeezus using his sheer awesomeness to travel forward in time where he’s forced to fight an army of clones of hip-hop stars we know and love. Beware the 2Pac clone!
Described by its developers as, “A game about Kanye West, hip-hop, life, The BasedGod and the future,” Kanye West 3030 is essentially a top-down 2D role-playing game that lets players get some small glimmer of the miracle that being Kanye must be. Using a series of complicated disses and mystical powers, Kanye West will vie for freedom or artistry or some such thing.
If you’re a fan of the old Chrono Trigger games (aka, if you like to read and not kill stuff), then this might be worth your time and effort. Either way, you’ll be giving some love to an indie developer which is never a bad thing, right?
Journey of Jesus: The Calling
The Journey of Jesus: The Calling is a thinly veiled allegory that’s absolutely and totally based on Kanye West. Okay, so its protagonist might not wear sneaks and he might be a bit shaggy (and white), but the plot of the game is obviously an allusion to the trials and tribulations of our Aural Lord and Musical Savior, His Majesty the Yeez.
Anyone can hop on Facebook right now and play as Kanye West as he gathers followers and performs the miracles that we all love him for. Sure, they’ll call Kanye another name (“Jesus”) and he doesn’t actually play any music, but the correlations are there, people. Are you brave enough to walk the same path that the voice of a generation walked?
In Closing
Cards on the table, most Kanye West games are BS. They may distract you for about ten minutes while you chuckle at the bizarre highs and lows of which humanity is capable. In that way, they’re a little like Kanye West’s Twitter feed. Although, if we’re being honest, his Twitter feed is much more entertaining.
Depending on the level of gore you’re looking for, there’s something in this list to keep you occupied for the length of a small work break, at the very least. Maybe The Only One will turn out to be an improvement on the Kanye-themed games that came before it … but I wouldn’t count on it.
